People who know me, know this about me: I do not ever say I am going to do something, and not do it... If it takes me a year, I'll accomplish what I've said I am going to do. If I do not think I can do the thing, I never commit to do it. If it is within my power to do a thing and I have promised to do it, even if I do not want to do the thing later, I am honour and duty BOUND to fulfill my verbal and written promises. And the least I can expect is that the people I deal with, have the same set of standards when it comes to giving their word, that's all I ask. Because My Word is the only valid coin I can offer.
So, I know there are probably more than a few of you that have directly benefited from me in this way: I Promised something, and I DELIVERED it. Usually this is in the form of Fixing a computer, because this is my one area of extreme expertise. There are quite a few of you that have directly benefited from me this way- And everything I said I was able to do, I DID. Including finding some very hard to find music for someone - I SAID I would do it and I DID do it.
On the other hand, I was in a close relationship over the last 7 or so months, and this person, I don't know what they wanted: An Obligation was formed, I carried out MY part of it, but what was supposed to be reciprocal, ended up just being me using up my energy on someone who was not interested in anything but what accommodated THEM. So I'm FUCKIN out of Facebook for a while, and it's gonna be a very long time before I trust ANYone ever again.
I hafta add this little thing - I appreciate gifts, I mean when people just do things for me, I cannot ever repay any of that, I want to, sometimes I can. But what happened last winter, someone used up resources on me, someone like me, in the same fiscal and medical situation as I was - if I would have known then what I do now about them I WOULD NOT have accepted any of it. This "generosity" was used against me later by the same person. If you give, you give without reservation, and you do NOT hold the person you did things for accountable back to you. So I was done some BIG favours, and in a moment of Vino, the person told me that they very much resented me because they used those resources up on me and moreover, I took their gift. The word "WRONG" is splattered all over that event, if I give, I give, and that's that - and I do give all the time, I always do what I can, what I am able to do. I never expect anything, and I'll make it clear I'm just doing it, mostly because I enjoy the feeling of doing something for someone. "It is more blessed to give that to recieve" - Feh! Whoever made that up did not have a clue, because recieving is as important:
Lu 6:38 Give, and it shall be given unto you; good measure, pressed down, and shaken together, and running over, shall men give into your bosom. For with the same measure that ye mete withal it shall be measured to you again.
And this one is Cake:
2Co 9:6 ¶ But this I say, He which soweth sparingly shall reap also sparingly; and he which soweth bountifully shall reap also bountifully.
2Co 9:7 Every man according as he purposeth in his heart, so let him give; not grudgingly, or of necessity: for God loveth a cheerful giver.
2Co 9:8 And God is able to make all grace abound toward you; that ye, always having all sufficiency in all things, may abound to every good work:
And so I found out that I had been given a gift with a grudge.
This is how I spent about 200 man hours on a project for the same person, I did it cos I liked doing it, because I liked the person I was doing it for, maybe because I thought I loved them and I thought those feelings were reciprocated. I never wanted anything for it, but I did get a reward: I was promised a night with Lingerie, instead I got a swift kick in the ass. I never did the work cos I WANTED that night with Lingerie, but it would have been nice if the person who Promised that to me, stuck with the bargain. But it was easier for them to just kick me in the balls, so fuck it, fuck me, I'm done. Maybe Marylin Monroe had it right:
I'm through with love
I'll never fall again
Said adieu to love
Don't ever call again
For I must love you or no one
And so I'm through with love
I've locked my heart
I'll keep my feelings there
I've stocked my heart
with icy, frigid air
And I mean to care for no one
Because I'm through with love
Why did you lead me
To think you could care?
You didn't need me
For you had your share
of slaves around you
To hound you and swear
with deep emotion and devotion to you
Goodbye to spring and all it meant to me
It can never bring the thing that used to be
For I must have you or no one
And so I'm through with love
I'm through with love
Baby I'm through with love
I guess the general rule, to be a popular person, you have to make several verbal commitments a day to do various things, and flake/RENEG on every single one of them. So maybe I'll start doing that too. But no, this is not in my nature. So it is basically, I SAID I was out of Facebook for a while, and I'm TOTALLY out of it, but I'm not invisible, I got this stupid Blog.
